Hello anyone who may have bothered to read this. Thank you.
Why thank you? Well because I need to vent. And you can't vent out to open spaces and thin air. Well you CAN but it is sorta pointless. It helps so much more when you are venting at someone even if said someone is not the source of the anger/frustration/misery that has caused you to need to vent in the first place. A person just helps.
So I'm going to pretend that I am actually directing this to someone instead of talking to myself.
So, why do I need to vent? Well because I'm angry and frustrated to the point of tears. I'm not crying yet but if I don't get this out, I will start pouring soon. Though I have nothing against crying, I'd rather not do that just yet. I will eventually. It is therapeutic. It just makes it all go away.
I'm straying away from the point. Do it too often. (Note to self: Try not to do it so often)
Well to begin, it is about a friend. Silly troubles it may seem. but when you come from a place where you have trouble making friends, trusting people and issues keeping a relationship(of any kind) alive for more than 3 years, It doesn't seem so silly at all. It is a BIG deal.
My post says "Quirks" because this problem I believe is about accepting the quirks of your friends.
Let me start from the very very beginning.
Well maybe not. Getting distracted again.
Suffice to say that I found this person. Extremely vivacious, fun, and joy to be around. I made a conscious effort to become friends with her and within no time we were borrowing each other’s clothes. Well I did little borrowing. I have no issue lending but I try not to borrow. Work with what's my own you know. So this person is really nice and all but of course everyone has their faults. I have many. When I say faults, they aren't universal faults. They are things a particular person may not like about you that someone else is completely fine with.
So my problem with my friend was I don’t like the way she shuts people up. She has to have the last word. Not just with me, with everyone. And no one else seemed to mind it or they'd have told her. She’s liked by everyone that she comes across.
I think it’s just the way my mother brought me up. I’m polite. I’m nice. I don’t believe in false modesty. And I believe in the power of words. My parents were extremely careful with theirs. And I grew up the same. I believe that words have the power to give life and end life. Well yeah so you get my thing with words. I don’t use them lightly. Weigh and measure them when I do use them. Not everyone has the same consideration. It isn't that important to everyone.
But I don’t make a pointy of telling my friends what it is I don’t like about them. Whatever it is, good or bad, I accept. I can’t have only the good. Or try to change everything I consider bad. It’s just my opinion. Not a universal standard. I’m not looking for perfect people. I have way too may faults to be friends with anyone who doesn’t have at least a few. I accept people as they are. I know it sounds like I’m not right now. But I truly do. I don’t even call them faults. I prefer to call them quirks. People have their quirks I have my own; we accept each other along with our quirks. Well that what I believe in.
On my side, one of my quirks is that unlike most children of the mobile age, I’m not particularly attached to phones. It serves all of three functions: calling, checking my attendance and taking pictures. I’m not heavy on texting. So if my phone isn’t ringing, I will most often than not even know where my phone is. People who have known me for a while get this. They get it. Of course, once in a while they're like "would you just look at your phone at least once in 15 minutes"? But then they shrug and let me be. Of course, if I’ve seen a message or call, will respond. No matter how much later I’m seeing this.
This friend that is giving me heartache right now is also someone who likes having her own way. Of course I didn’t mind that in the beginning. Because I was the one who wanted to be friends. But after more than 2 years of knowing each other, I expected the equation to change. Small things like visiting each other’s rooms. Her roommate doesn’t like people in the room so I have to scuttle every time she comes. So I very obviously suggest hanging out in my room, she flatly refuses with a straight face saying she likes her room better. Okay. She always needs something from me. Clothes, oiling her hair, crepe bandage and so on.... This is the only time she’ll come to my room
I dint mind because I had loads of free time. But that was before the beginning of the current academic session. Now I had loads of work and no time. But does she make more effort to come hang out? NO. I get tired of it. I don’t go to her room for a while, but in the end, it’s me who has to initiate conversation. Nothing from her side. Sure she BUYS me things. But you can’t buy my friendship or loyalty. I don’t know if she expected me to be obligated to her for buying me things. Maybe. I don’t really think so. She isn’t a bad person.
The current cold war started because she was snappy about me replying late and not texting her as soon as she did. I am patient. Very. But I have a threshold too. I saw her condescending and rude message and I just snapped. A part of me said "I’m done. Done."
So now I’m not talking to her. I don’t go to her room even when I know she is alone in the room and I don’t have any work. I think I've done my part in the relationship. I want her to ask me if something is wrong. Come talk to me. If at all she cares about our friendship. Because that’s how things should be done. That’s what I did when a friend stopped talking to me because she thought I was taking her for granted. I went up to her and asked her why she wasn't talking to me. She told me. I apologised profusely for making her feel the way she did and promised her I’d be better. And now I know we are good. And if she has anything to say to me, she'll say it to me. It brought us closer. I could have gone on ignoring her. If I didn't care about the friendship. But I did. And I loved her so I went up to her scared and apprehensive as I was. To find out. And I’ve never been happier to face a confrontation. It made us that much closer.
I don’t know if it is normal, but I hurt physically when I hurt emotionally. My chest hurts, my lungs hurt. And I wanna cry. Which I do.
What I don’t want to do I cry and forget about it. Because once I let I cry it out. I will stop caring. I will rationalise about how we lose friends along the way all the time. I will make myself stop caring. At least on the outside. I never stop caring. It kills me. Crushes my heart and the pain never really goes away. I don’t wanna turn cold and stop caring. So basically I want her to come and talk to me. Because I want proof that our friendship is worth fighting for.
Petty I’m sure. But I can’t help it. My heart’s been broken way too many times for me to be sure.
This was cathartic. Thank you.
ありがとう ございさひた みんあ さん
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